Most commonly in the teen years of our lives we start to question our sexuality. This is because at this point in our lives we are trying to figure out who we are, Yes, most people will tell you that they knew they were straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual at an earlier age but then in the LGBTQ community there is that little Q for Questioning at the end that people teens start to wonder about.
I bring this up now because I recently had an experience that got me thinking deeper into my sexuality realising that what I'd known to be true all this time may not be.
So my friend is wonderful, I've known her for just over 15 years and it was her birthday a month ago, she had a lovely party. We started texting each other during the party talking about how we've "fallen in love" with one other and "should get married", next thing I know while I'm sitting at a bar table on my high bar stool (that secretly makes me feel a little bit more important than any other kind of chair or stool does, but I digress) she is down beside me on one knee asking for my hand in marriage. At this point, we were both straight, single females laughing about. But the rest of the night went on and more jokes were passed back and forth, I even went so far as to tweet about my proposal. Twitter was a flutter.
At the end of the night though, we when the party had wound down and the people were leaving we got to talking more in depth about the whole situation and how it almost started to feel real. The "love" the "engagement" and everything thereafter.
It truly did, it felt real, so much so that when I looked at her I couldn't not smile. We even had a mutual friend say that we were pretty much perfect together and would make a great couple.
It got me to thinking, could I be gay or at least bisexual? I've always been into men, not once have I ever questioned that. Yes, I've kissed and girl and no, I didn't like it but on this night I honestly thought that I could be with this woman. It kind of had me worried in a sense that I didn't know who I was and that is not something that I have felt for many, many years.
Maybe this is an ode to my self-proclaimed incredible acting ability? I can act well, I can tell a great lie, not that I do because "honesty is policy" and all, maybe I just got way too into the part of "girlfriend to a great friend". They say "friendship is the base for a good relationship" and "the person you marry should be your best friend" but laying down in bed that night I was in question. I know I've always wanted a husband and my own family, but I also started to ask myself about what our wedding would be like and how we would have children- adoption, donor, etc..
The next morning my feelings had diminished slightly and I was more confident that I was straight. A few days later I was completely back to myself again and had no thoughts of my questionable preferences. Which begs the question "What made me question myself?" Was it that I involved my feelings into the joke too much? Was it her stunner beauty? Or was it just that I'd never really had a situation thrown on me that forced me to question myself like that before?
Either way, I am straight. I will find a man, not a woman, and we shall live happily ever after.
Have you ever been in a situation where you questioned your beliefs of any kind be it sexuality, religion, an opinion on something? If so, let me know in the comments, I'd love to hear it.
Ashley xx
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